Monday, December 04, 2006

TIGHTWAD HILL'S PAC-10 AWARDS SHOW

Welcome to the 1st annual Tightwad Hill Pac-10 Awards Show. We're coming to you live from Bertola's on Telegraph, which of course no longer exists but this is the Internet so we make the rules. Bertola's - home of mediocre pasta dishes and $1 well drinks - your only choice for 11:00 am cocktails, and an official sponsor of Tightwad Hill.

Our MC for the afternoon, Petros Papadakis, would love to welcome you, but he's currently in Zed's basement with a ball-gag stuffed in his mouth. (See, it's the Internet. Fantasy!) So we'll
pinch hit for Petros, and hope that these three dollar triples don't prevent us from getting through the show. Let's hand out some hardware!

John Mackovic Award for Esprit de Corps
: A close race between Ty Willingham and Walt Harris, but Willingham wins it by a nose. After all, everyone knows Walt is a dick, and he simply lived down to expectations by calling out players in public for daring to get injured. Willingham, however, talks the talk of being all about togetherness, but then throws several redshirt juniors under the bus in public. The result? A lifeless 20-3 home loss to Stanford, and a player rebellion on Facebook. Accepting the award on behalf of Coach Willingham is ESPN's John Saunders and Jason Whitlock.

Smile...You're a Winner!

Don James Award for Institutional Control
: Dirk Koetter in an absolute landslide. It's not every year that a coach allows his players to overrule him on something as trivial as his choice of starting QB, and then becomes the last person in Tempe to discover that said QB didn't attend class and partied like Keith Richards before his first blood transfusion. In fact, we might rename this award, right after we refill our drink. Is it noon yet?

And now, the Nathan Villegas/Geoff MacArthur Iron Man Award. This award is jointly named in honor of Oregon kicker Villegas, who blew out his ACL when Joey Harrington jumped on him after a last-second kick, and MacArthur, who was TKO'd by a plate glass window after a loss to Illinois in 2001. And this year it goes not to a player, but to an inanimate object (of which there are many on campus) - the Funky Stanford Couch. The Couch, of course, was responsible for spreading disease through the Stanford locker room more efficiently than a Dollie with a tray full of Jell-O shots. Accepting on behalf of the Couch is Stanford team physician Dr. Gary Fanton.
Best Vector in a Supporting Role

Joe Kapp Award for Outstanding Game Management
- This award goes to USC Coach Pete Carroll. Coach Carroll is recognized here for leaving his superego in South Central when his Trojans battled UCLA. Petey went for it twice in bad situations against the Bruins - once in the 1st half, eschewing a difficult but doable 48 yard FG attempt, and once on 4th and 6 in the 3rd quarter, giving the Bruins a short field that resulted in another Medlock FG.

Bob Toledo/Scout.com Award for Underachievement - Mike Bellotti, whose four-star laden Ducks gave up after Cal pasted them in Memorial Stadium. All the comic books and PlayStations in the world don't matter when your team is soft as a baby's bottom (or maybe they're the problem). Oregon's performance against Arizona at home was so lacking in energy or interest it should be put in a time capsule as a cautionary tale for future generations of coaches.

Frank Kush Award for Sideline Deportment - We have a repeat winner! Pete Carroll, come on down for letting a national TV audience know what you think of Coach Pornstar and his Oregon Ducks:



Casey Moore Award for Endless Bear Nightmares - Syndric Steptoe. Let's move on.

Chuck Cecil Hit of the Year - As much as we'd like to honor Thomas DeCoud for his slobber-knocker on punt return v UCLA, this has to go to Rey Maualuga, for obvious reasons:



Play of the Year/Catch of the Year - The winners are Carl Bonnell and Marlon Wood, for their desperation Hail Mary at the end of regulation that tied Cal in Berkeley. Bastards.

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Pac-10 Blog of the Year - Bruins Nation, the dyspeptic gathering of Bruins fans who made it their mission to bludgeon Karl Dorrell into early retirement. Mission not accomplished, fellas, but nice win against the Trojans.

Pac-10 Hall of Merit - The following players are hereby inducted in the Tightwad Hill Pac-10 Hall of Merit. The Hall exists to honor those players good enough to be remembered four years after they leave campus (or longer, depending on your history of chemical abuse). It's like Potter Stewart's definition of p0rn: You know a Hall of Merit guy when you see him:

Antoine Cason, Arizona/Daymeion Hughes, California/Brandon Mebane, California/Marshawn Lynch, California/DeSean Jackson, California/Enoka Lucas, Oregon/Sabby Piscatelli, Oregon State/Alexis Serna, Oregon State/Michael Okwo, Stanford/Justin Hickman, UCLA/John David Booty, USC/Sedrick Ellis, USC/Ryan Kalil, USC/Dwayne Jarrett, USC/Steve Smith, USC/M'Kristo Bruce, Washington State

OK, we're officially toasted. Our thanks to the staff at Bertola's, to Petros Papadakis, to Petros' grief counselor, and to all the award winners for another wild and unpredictable season of Pac-10 football. See you in San Diego!

7 Comments:

At 12:42 PM, Anonymous Cathy said...

Hit of the year? I think that has to go to the one Cal made for the block to allow a punt to be returned for a touchdown. Three people were lying on the field in the aftermath.

(I forget the details though - was it against UCLA? I do remember it made the ESPN highlights, it was so big.)

 
At 12:44 PM, Blogger Tightwad said...

The DeCoud hit is linked (click slobber-knocker). The SC hit was so hard I thought Cowan might have expired on the field.

 
At 1:54 PM, Anonymous SoCal Oski said...

Gotta disagree with you on the Hit of the Year, if only because Pat Cowan got up immediately with no ill effects.

DeCoud's hit resulted in three KO's: two on the initial hit and the third when wobbly-kneed Bosworth face-planting 10 yards before reaching the sideline.

Any hit that knocks the same guy into cartoonland twice in the span of a few minutes has got to win.

 
At 3:48 PM, Blogger Pete Morris said...

SoCal Oski makes a good point, but I think I'm with Tightwad on this: the fact that Cowan got up at all is a miracle. Just how much would the NFL have fined Maualuga for a hit like that? And just how bad does Cowan's head ache today?

Next year: how about a Mike Pawlawski award for the most overachieving 1-star recruit, perhaps paired with a Joe Ayoob award for the most underachieving 5-star recruit?

 
At 3:58 PM, Blogger Tightwad said...

Good idea - we're always looking to expand the awards (just like real life), though be warned that the one-star award for 2007 has Tim Mixon's name on it.

 
At 6:05 PM, Anonymous Cathy said...

Sorry, I'd missed the link before. But I still think it's gotta win. A perfectly legal hit sends 2-3 bodies flying, and results in a touchdown. If that's not a quality hit, I don't know what is.

 
At 7:18 PM, Blogger Pete Morris said...

Prediction: The Bruins' t-shirt slogan next year will be, "Head on a Swivel". And despite the win over SC, that probably is good advice for Dorrell as well.

And yes, I'd love to see Mixon take home both the Chase Lyman (Leon Powe?) Comeback Player of the Year, as well as the Pawlawski.

Speaking of 2007, might the Bears be better next year with Forsett in the backfield. He seems to fit the Tedford mold better than Lynch--that is, a steady, unspectacular, but prolific yard gainer who keeps the chains moving and the defenses honest. Don't get me wrong: I'd love to see Marshawn back for another year, but it just seems like Tedford's staff never quite figured out how best to use his talents.

 

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